I am not a person of regrets. I don't think I had ever experienced regret in its profoundest form. That is, until January 1st, 2012. I woke up that morning in shock. In complete agony. In complete wonderment. It was that feeling when you wake up after living a nightmare. And you wonder whether the nightmare was your life or whether your life was just a nightmare. Could the last 3 months actually have happened? Could, by some great gift of kindness, the past 3 months have just been a nightmare? Could I change how Chapter 2011 ends in my book or had it been forever carved into a tapestry they call reality? There was no going back. I was living my nightmare.
In the past three months, I have lost respect for myself. I have drifted apart from friends and family alike. I have broken hearts, my own and others. I have made friends pretending to be someone I am not; I have lost friends being myself. I have become the person I always thought I wanted to be; and at the same time I have hated myself. I hate myself right now.
I feel so powerless. Like time is dragging my life, kicking and screaming, through phases that I have no control over. I don't want this year to end. I don't want a new year to start. I just want to "be" for a while. Have time wait for me to figure out what I want from life, if anything.
